Lots of people have migraines. They all have my deepest sympathy/empathy. Migraines are awful. They are debilitating. They are mean and nasty. I know, first hand, up close and personal. I've spent the last few days dealing with one.
Years ago, I used to get them frequently, often as twice a week. Many times I've had to get friends to cart me to the emergency room for a nice big shot of Demerol, then haul me back home so I could crawl into bed and let the drug send me off into pain-free oblivion. I was very close to calling a friend last night. Only the lateness of the hour and the fact that I didn't think I'd be able to ride in a car that far without puking my guts out kept me from making a call.
Over the years my migraines have slowed to occurring maybe once or twice a year. I can't tell y'all how many ways from Christmas the level of pleased I am about that. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I can catch one early enough with a dose of Advil and ratchet it down to an the equivalent of an ordinary annoying headache. But every once in awhile, WHAM! No amount of Advil will help and I'm reduced to curling up in a fetal position somewhere and wishing I could cut my head off and bury it out back in a deep, dark hole in the ground. This most recent migraine was the worst I've had in a long, long time.
I spent nearly the entire day yesterday on the sofa, cold rag on the back of my neck and my head in my hands. Didn't move much except to worship at the porcelain shrine of Vomictus, the God of Nausea, a time or two. I was, in a word, pathetic.
I'd been fighting the migraine on and off since Wednesday. I had a bad day that day. Thursday I had to force myself to be productive and go into town to run some errands. Friday was rough. On Saturday I had to make a trip into town to buy bread for my neighbor and to help a friend decorate the restaurant where she was having her mother's 70th birthday party. Then I had to stay for the party. My fabulous computer tech guy also brought my computer back to me (it coped attitude and had to be resuscitated) that evening. When I sat up in bed yesterday morning I felt like my head had been kicked by an elephant.
I took Advil. No help. I puked my guts up. No fun. I tried Reiki. Couldn't relax and focus. I complained to the cats. They ignored me. I debated dunking my head in a bucket full of cold water. I was already switching between extreme, sweating hot and shivering cold body temperatures. I didn't think the bucket idea would help much, just get my hair wet and I didn't have the umph to dry it. So, I sat there, head in hands.
Sometime around 7:00pm I was pretty much at my low point. I focused my eyes long enough to send the husband a text message asking him not to do his nightly call. Even thinking about hearing the sound of the phone ringing made me want to throw up. I was sitting there, debating which friend to call and take me to the emergency room, trying to decide if I thought I could ride in a car without dying, feeling absolutely horrible at the thought of anybody having to come help me ... and then, as embarrassing at it is to say this, I'll tell ya' folks, I started crying.
As I sat there, ready to break down and call my neighbor, thinking I just couldn't take it anymore, the oddest feeling came over me. I saw the most beautiful flash of electric blue and the top of my head went warm, like someone put their hands on it. My shoulders relaxed so much they felt like they dropped a foot. I heard my guide, Myrium, ask me why I waited so long to ask her for help. I could see her, in my minds' eye, run her hand down the back of my neck ... and the pain was gone. Just like that. Gone.
I was still feeling a little weak, slightly dizzy, stomach a bit queasy, but otherwise completely pain free. I thought, "Holy cow!". It was incredible. It was wonderful. Where, not a minute before, I was sitting there hunched over and so sick I was crying, I was now actually sitting straight up and smiling like an idiot. I jumped up and sent the husband a text to tell him to call. I didn't feel like dancing a tango, but I felt pretty damn good all things considered.
Now, I know lots of people who would think that story was just nuts. But I also know a lot of other people who would just nod their heads in understanding. They know what I'm talking about. They know their own spirit guides as I know mine. And they would ask the same question Myrium asked me, "Why did you wait so long to ask?". Truth is, I was so caught up in feeling bad, so self-absorbed in my misery, I just didn't think of it. I feel a little guilty about it now, but I also know that my guides don't hold it against me. They already know I'm a pain-in-the-ass 90% of the time. In working with me, their patience knows no bounds. A fact I am infinitely grateful for.
But it brought home to me how far I've been away from them over the past year. 2009 was tough. Three hundred and sixty five days of some pretty rough going. I have, without realizing it until now, been retreating into a little bubble of self-protection and isolation. I used to be very hermitish. I closed off nearly everyone and everything and just moved through my life in that same bubble. I functioned, but I was 'shut-down'. Like living on auto-pilot. I've spent the last 10 years working hard to come out of that old behavior pattern and open up to life. I made huge progress. Amazing progress. I have a life full of blessings.
Somewhere during the past year I "slipped" and fell. I can't say it was one thing in particular, more a combination of things. My response was to retreat. I think this migraine was a 'wake-up call'. When I think back to the times my migraines were frequent and nasty, it was always during difficult times. My body's way of dealing with an overload of suppressed emotion and stress. It's hard to face life sometimes when you are an overly sensitive person. Being around people can feel suffocating. Stressful situations and upsetting events can be just too much. It's like always being on the edge of a panic attack. Sometimes the only way to cope is to shut down.
Sitting there on the sofa last night, sick to the point of crying yet fearing to call for help, it hit me ... not asking for help when I need it is one of my biggest problems. It's like putting handcuffs on myself and then expecting to be able to wield a paintbrush and create a masterpiece on a life-sized canvas. Not going to happen. Instead, what I need to do is take action. First thing to do is make a doctor's appointment and, as much as I hate the thoughts of taking any kind of medication, get something for the migraines. Then I need to start getting back into life, hopefully find a job to get me out of the house and bring in some extra income. Maybe join a knitting club or something like that. And most importantly, start paying attention to my guides again ... maybe if I do that then hopefully I won't need to take any migraine medication because they will just go away. Sounds really good to me.
Thanks, Myrium.
Namaste, y'all ...
