Sometimes there is no simple answer.

Sometimes it really amazes me at the lengths people will go to when they feel slighted or if they don't like someone else. And yeah, I'll admit it, at one point in my life I wasn't much different. I'm a Scorpio and the Scorpio motto is "Don't get mad, get even ... even if it takes a lifetime." I'm glad to be able to say I grew up. I realized the error of that kind of thinking. It not only takes away from the person you seek revenge against but also from yourself. The meaning of life is lost with such an attitude.

Sadly, some people never do come to understand that. A fact which came home to me yesterday through an email a friend of mine received. I won't go into all the nitty-gritty details. Suffice it to say someone (let's call her Diane for the sake of this tale) doesn't like my friend (or me) and is trying to cause problems in our lives. What I think even sadder than Diane's immaturity is her complete ignorance of how truly ineffectual and ignorant she is. I'm not just talking about the grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes running amok in the email either. And y'all, they were embarrassingly bad. Although the email was anonymously sent, there were things said in it which only a very small handful of people would/could know. Diane being one of that handful. Ummmm ... kinda' stupid to mention things that aren't public knowledge ......

What I'm also talking about in her being ineffectual and ignorant is how, somewhere in town, she is sitting around feeling gleeful, thinking she has hurt my friend and I. No, more than hurt, she thinks she has potentially caused us to loose our jobs, be forced to close our business, etc. I'm talking really bad stuff. And she is HAPPY to think it's going to happen. She WANTS it to happen. She has deliberately, with malice and aforethought, tried to make it happen. She honestly doesn't understand people see through such crap. They see someone trying to cause trouble and turn away. Oh sure, maybe one or two people might get on the bandwagon because they are as ignorant as she is, but not many will respond the way Diane thinks they will. Too many people already know the truth of the matter. And in regards to me personally, well, I'm taken care of and that's all I need to say about that.

What kind of emptiness lives in the heart of a person like that? She reminds me of an angry, vengeful child raging against some perceived injury or slight, reacting to the extreme. It's the action of a lost, hopeless soul. It's the action of someone with no sense of themselves, no connection to the Divine, no joy, no love, nothing. Void of all that is good in the world. She feeds herself on negative emotions, darkness and despair. She is always the victim, never the survivor. The broken feather, never the wings in flight. She lives life miserable and alone. And she will die alone, by bits and pieces each day. Her soul cries out and finds no comforting arms to cradle it with hope or light. She has no trust, no faith and no compassion. What a horrible life it must be.

It's useless to ask why someone would be so cruel. I think, for me, the question is more of what is the right way for me to react. I have to say my very first reaction to hearing about the email was that I laughed. Yep, I laughed. In a store parking lot, in my Jeep, on the phone, laughing. I was struck by Diane's stupidity in thinking her responsibility wasn't glaringly, blatantly, obvious. It's just incredible anyone can be so, well, stupid.

My second reaction was to feel bad for third party who was indirectly attacked with this email. He's innocent of anything other than being someone's employer. The fact that it could seriously impact his business probably never even crossed Diane's mind. Again, stupid. I don't think someone else should be hurt just because you think you have a bone to pick with me. But then again, if a person is so empty as I've said, they don't have enough sense to see the whole picture. They most certainly don't have sense enough to care whom they hurt, now do they? Clearly, Diane is such a person.

After having thought about it more over the course of the evening I realized that the best reaction is to ask the Divine to take care of it. However it's supposed to work out, it will do so through higher channels than moi. Yes, I'm blogging about it, and it's there is a distinct likelihood Diane will read this, but that's also Okay. I'm not attacking her, I'm discussing and stating opinions - which I'm allowed to do on my own blog. I'm thinking "out loud" in a manner of speaking. I'm not venting. I'm not angry. I'm simply sad that somewhere along the line another person decided I, and my friends & family, deserve to be attacked and I didn't (that I'm aware of) do anything wrong.

I've known Diane a long time. While I've not been close friends with her, I have tried to be nice. I have tried to be honest, to be friendly, to help her when I could. Why? Because it's not only the right thing to do but because I, to a degree, empathize with her. I see something in her not a lot of people look past the mask she wears to hide behind and will see. I know she had a difficult life growing up. I know she's angry and scared. She wants desperately to be accepted but only feels rejection. Unfortunately, that's something she brings on herself. She's fighting back at a world she perceives to be unjust and unkind. The cold truth is she just wants someone to care about her (don't we all???) and she is her only obstacle to having what she so deeply wants.

It's sad, but Diane's behavior, her attitude and way of presenting herself is exactly what causes people to walk away from being friends with her. When someone can't be honest with themselves how can they be honest with you? How can they bring joy to your life if they can't bring it to their own? How can you trust them if they won't be trustworthy? When someone talks, with pleasure, about trying to hurt someone you can only wonder when they are going to get around to trying to hurt you as well.

There is no easy answer to this situation. Well, yeah, let God sort it out. Okay, I can do that. Although I might wish differently, I know there is no way to reach out to Diane, to say or do anything to help her or alter her perception of being wronged. I know I can't make her life anything other than what she makes of it for herself. What I can do is say I'm sorry for whatever she thinks I personally have done to her, even if I don't believe I have done anything wrong. I can and will, with clear conscience, walk away from Diane and any attempt at being friendly with her from this point on. I may feel empathy for her but that doesn't mean I have to subject myself, or anyone around me, to such a person. I can and do wish her well on her journey in this life and pray that some day she will find a light, find joy, find comfort, and most of all, find love.

Namaste y'all ...

A little on the crazy side ...

Where to even begin?

So much going on, a bazillion and two things happening around here. It's been kinda' nuts. My brain, usually on the overactive side anyway, has been teetering on the cusp of meltdown stage. I really need a vacation. That or a nice dose of medication. I wouldn't object to either.

One of the biggest reasons for my extended absence around the blogging arena was that my computer got the hiccups. First bit of drama was my modem, an ancient leviathan from the Stone Age, got it in it's head that I didn't really need to stay connected to the internet for more than five minutes at a stretch. Occasionally it took pity and let me stay connected for six minutes. Hard to do much computing when you can't stay online. This went on for a couple of weeks. I talked to my computer guru friend and we scheduled for him to pop in a new modem for me.

Then, to add insult to injury and before the new modem got installed, I was minding my own business one afternoon, installing Windows Service Pack 2, and right around the "finalizing" stage the power blipped out for about 3 seconds. Yep. Not a good thing to happen when you're installing a Service Pack. In short, things the computer needed to function didn't get installed and thus the monster wouldn't crank back up. Called my guru friend and begged for help. The man has the patience of a saint. Unfortunately, he doesn't have as much free time as he used to, so I existed in limbo for about three weeks without my computer. Funny thing, I almost got used to not having it around. Of course, all the computer crap I needed to do piled up and I've been busting my hump trying to catch up.

But good things happened ....

Even though I swore, yes I swore, that I wouldn't start on my dream sweater the power of the yarn overcame me and I succumbed. I had done my little swatch for gauge. Frogged it and reknit it four times because I wasn't getting gauge. Cussed about it some. Fretted about it a lot. Fondled the yarn with longing. Read the pattern dozens of times. Fretted about it some more. I balled all thirteen skeins, telling myself it was just a preparatory thing. Ya' know, getting my ducks in a row for when the big day came. I fretted a little more. Wicked knitting faeries whispered in my ear, "Knit. Knit. Knit." So I started knitting. Who would have thunk it? I reasoned that I couldn't work on the computer. Paint has to have time to dry. Books can wait to be read. Could only do just so many other things in a day. What could it hurt?

Heh, heh, heh. I confess, I became obsessed.

On the weekends the husband sat beside me on the sofa watching movies while I knit. One Saturday evening, when all that yarn started taking shape, he leaned over, kissed me on the cheek and said, "I'm really proud of you." I felt like a real knitter. I was making my dream sweater. Holy Schmoly. I've watched it grow from that little row of cast on stitches into a real sweater. My stomach in twisty knots with every stitch. Directions right beside me at all times, encased in it's protective plastic sleeve, with my The Knitting Answer Book by Margaret Radcliffe on the other side. I used my stitch markers, counted rows & stitches, learned increasing, said prayers to the Goddess of Knitting under my breath. I'm now down to the last half of the second sleeve. A few inches from the finish line.

And it's beautiful.

Even better ... it fits.

I don't care (oh all right, yeah I do, but it's Okay) that I goofed in a few places. A mis-stitch here and there. They don't show. The important thing is that it's a big achievement for me. I'm thrilled that I've gone beyond dishcloths and scarves. I'm surprising myself by thinking of the next things I want to knit ... and some of them involve those scary cable knit patterns! Yee Hah. I want to knit socks. I want to knit more sweaters. I want to knit afghans and lacy shawls. It's freaky. It's bold. It's wonderful. Knit stitch and Purl stitch, you are my buddies. Bring on the increases! Bring on the decreases! Wrap me in knitting bliss. I could almost give up quilting to do naught but knit.

Almost.

I'm not that obsessed.

I'll post a photo when the sweater is done.

At long last my website is up and running. Version VI. I was a bundle of nerves when I hit that "publish" button. I'm on dial-up. It took eons to upload. I kept thinking bad stuff was going to happen. Then I would take a deep breath and mentally smack myself for such thoughts. It has been a rough, rocky road to getting the damn thing online. So much work. So much time. A weight on my shoulders. It's so much bigger than the previous incarnations and I grew frustrated with all the nit picky crap more times than I can count. But it's out there now. And it looks nice.

Yep, there are still things to be done and an extra tweak or two left hanging, but it's basically finished. If you haven't already, give it a peek at www.carolsmartinez.com. I must say that I'm pleased with the overall design. I think I can live with this one for a long time. It's got room to grow, a place for everything, a much more personal presentation of the work. It's soft, feminine (which I find somewhat surprising because I'm not really very "girly"), and it's colorful yet still complements the art, etc. I like it.

If you've seen my site before you will notice that the name has changed from "Art Magic" to "Glissade". I debated the new name for quite a few weeks. I wanted it to be reflective of the overall site, of me, of the direction I am moving in my life. I spent hours researching names on the internet, reading the thesaurus and dictionary. While I wanted it to be different, slightly unusual, I didn't want it to sound pretentious or stupid. One of the meanings for word glissade is "poetry in motion" and I had used that as the title to one of the husband's songs a few years ago. It seemed to fit for the new site name.

Speaking of changes, one of the new additions is a page for my Intuitive Tarot & Psychic readings. I felt it was time to put that out into the world. With the new page I will be better able to work for people outside of my local area. I like to help people. It's why I do the readings in the first place. And while I realize that I'm just one eleventy-million people with an internet page for readings, I know those who need/want my help will find it. "Build it and they will come."

In all honesty, I debated for a long time whether or not to include the Tarot page. Not because I feared being attacked nor because I'm embarrassed or ashamed and feel I should keep what I do in a closet. My hesitation came in decided if the website should stay focused strictly on my artwork as it's been all along, all previous five versions. What I came to realize is that my psychic skills are as important to me as my art skills. Both make up who I am. They are interrelated, interwoven, inseparable. In addition to practicing Reiki, which a page for that was added as well, I am an artist and a psychic. All three are the main focus of my life and as my website is an extension of those things, I felt they should all be included. I believe it was the right decision.

In my last blog entry I told you that my friend and business partner, Paul, and I were relocating our Reiki center to the upstairs area of the building we were currently located in. I'm tickled pink to report the move is almost complete. If all goes well we will officially open the first week of April. Rah! It's been a lot of work getting the space prepared in a relatively short amount of time, especially since it's only been the two of us working as much as we possibly can. Patching walls, slinging paint, fixing booth spaces, etc. We started at the beginning of February and it's now almost the end of March. If we had had the money to hire a contractor to do the work they may have gotten it done faster but I don't believe they would have done a better job. It all really looks good.

We've still got to get a couple more vendors to stock product in that section of the space but it's coming along. It's all been done on a virtually non-existent budget. Fortunately, Paul and I are creative and have done very well making a lovely place out of almost nothing. I'm proud of what we've accomplished. The difference in the space is night and day from what the previous tenant had and I believe customers/clients will like coming in. There have already been a number of people peeking in the windows and asking about what's going into the space. It's welcoming and relaxing. It feels open, with good energy flow and light. With every paint stroke and swipe of a cleaning rag I've carried the thought of filling our space with hope, love and positive energy. I think it's going to be successful, and it won't take long to get there. But for now, there are a number of those little finishing things to do, getting stock in the store area, and such. As anxious as I am to open I know it's still got a short bit to go. It's an exercise in patience for me. I just keep repeating to myself that "you never get a second chance to make a first impression." It's more important to me to have it done as right as we can when we finally open the door to the public. And it will be. I know it.

The down side to Carol's World events is that with all the work going into the Reiki space for the past couple of months I've not been as focused on my art as I would like to have been. I just haven't had the energy for both. I have been working on an abstract for the art project but it's not working out like I have envisioned in my head. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. It's laying back there on the floor in my studio, frustrating me. I should probably put it aside and work on something else. Thing is, I don't want to work on anything else until I finish this one. Later this evening I'm going to go back into the studio and mess with it some more. I'll turn on the stereo, light some incense, try to not think of all the other stuff I need to be doing, and just paint. Sounds like a good plan anyway.

And to prevent this post from becoming an epic novel I'll shut up now and say ...

Namaste, y'all ...