Earlier this evening I had my nightly phone call with the husband. It was upsetting because I had to tell him the computer system he's been contemplating buying to go with his Korg keyboard, financially speaking, isn't an option right now ... nor in the foreseeable future. I had to explain the nasty and ever increasing costs of living over the past months vs. his lower income since having to change jobs earlier in the year. But, we are like thousands of others trying to make ends meet on a tighter and tighter budget. It's depressing as Hell. It made me feel miserable to burst his bubble on the computer. It felt even worse to explain why. Yet, there isn't much to be done about it. Life is what life is for all of us at present and we do the best we can.
But even sitting here feeling sad, upset and wanting to do nothing but sit in the middle of the floor and have a good cry, I had to stop and think about how there's still an incredible amount of abundance in my life. It lead me to think about something in particular that has happened recently that I have neglected to share. Sorry about that, but I've been sort of keeping it close to explore the feelings privately for awhile. This seems like an good time to talk about it.
Back in September I posted about a woman I referred to as "Anne". In that post I told you about dealing with the issue of my belief that Anne did not like me. As things ironically go, a short time later I posted the surprising bit of news that Anne was interested in reconciling the situation between us. I yammered on about my reaction and feelings and all that fluffy stuff. I left it hanging with no conclusion as to whether or not Anne ever came to talk with me. Well, she did and I'm damned happy about it.
While I won't deny we are both still stepping a little lightly and being cautious, I think it's not unrealistic given our history. Neither one wants to go backward into any of that again, or step forward wrongly with each other. It's quite natural that we take time and build the friendship, just as any two people trying to get to know each other would do. But personally speaking, I'd say she's become a welcome addition to my list of friends. It's nice. I'm glad things are as they are between us now. I look forward to the discussions we'll have (she's smart and funny), things we might do together (she's creative and crafty), things we'll learn from each other (things as ordinary as cooking tips to big stuff like life lessons), etc. as friends do with time.
The whole experience has already been such a lesson for me for a lot of reasons. It's a lesson in being willing to resolve things I find to be unpleasant and would prefer to just walk away from. It's humbling to be given a second change at friendship. It's been an opportunity to express thankfulness and appreciation to someone I thought I'd never be speaking to again. It's been a lesson in opening myself up, to understanding forgiveness, and being understanding of the feelings of others in a way I really hadn't been able to do before.
And it set me up to puting some of these lessons into action with another person I know with whom I've recently had a misunderstanding/miscommunication/conflict ... for which I'm largely responsible. I took something she said, read an incorrect meaning into it, and slammed her for it. It was wrong, but at the time, I really did feel her comment was snipey and hurtful. As is in my nature to do, I lashed back. (There is indeed real and fitting truth behind the decriptions of the traits of our astrological signs and I am a Scorpio.) She, of course, responded in kind.
The me of not so long ago would have just said 'F' it and walked away. Written it off and moved on. But this time it all just didn't sit well. I chewed on it for a bit and then discussed it with a friend whom I have the deepest respect for. I value his opinion and trust his advice. He pointed out things about myself I hadn't really been aware of, helped me re-evaluate and look at it from the other side of the fence. That evening I apologized to the person I had created the conflict with and have made arrangements to meet with her to discuss it one-on-one so that she may say anything to me she would like to say further about it. I plan to extend my apology again and, hopefully, put it behind me as a lesson learned. Maybe it will be resolved and it won't, but this time I couldn't let the conflict linger for years. I couldn't turn my back and attempt to wish it into oblivion. This time I am making the effort to confront and resolve it with good intentions and sincere apologies for my part in it. I'll let the Divine take it from there.
And I think that's a good thing even if it's hard to do. I think, even while the realities of everyday life are hard and troublesome and I want to sit and cry, it's a good thing to still count the blessings I have. I have the gift of a new friendship. I'm really trying to move forward positively in dealing with a negative aspect of my personality - a personal growth thing. I have a friend I call talk to about all of it and know I'm heard, never judged, and cared for enough to be told the truth - even if it stings. Even though I've got problems and trying times at present I'm still wallowing in abundance when I open my eyes and see it. And that's most certainly a good thing.
Namaste, y'all ...
