No changes on the painting this weekend but a few other interesting things happened ...
1) Had a phone conversation with Sheila, a new friend and one of the associates with our store, this past weekend. She's simply delightful. She's a hypnotherapist and I'm going to have her help me with my smoking issue. Yes, I'm a smoker. Form your opinion about that and move on. I've smoked since I was twelve years old. I will be 44 in November. I've been trying to quit for a long time. Trust me when I say this, it's far easier said than done. You don't have to give me all the hoo-ha schpeel about how bad it is for me, what a nasty habit it is, blah, blah, blah. Heard it all before. I've attempted all the pills, patches, gum, tying myself up with rubber bands and assorted other gazillion and fifty three ways to stop smoking. Hasn't worked thus far.
I even tried hypnotherapy years ago. It was a "group" seminar a friend/fellow smoker asked me to attend with her. I sat in a metal folding chair, beside a terribly staticky speaker, in a crowded room, uncomfortable as a cat in a puddle. It was cold in the room. I couldn't hear the man conducting the session very well. I spent most of the hour shivering in my chair, looking around at the people there, and wishing I was someplace else. Long story short is as soon as I walked out of the building to leave I lit up a smoke. $40.00 down the tubes. (Or up in smoke.)
So why try hypnotherapy again? Well, this is different. It's one-on-one with someone I really like. Someone I would be comfortable with. In a place I'll be comfortable. And because I want to do it. I want to quit smoking. When I tried the group thing all those years ago I didn't really want to quit, not really. It makes a huge difference. This time, I'm looking forward to it. I've realized my quitting smoking isn't the physical withdrawals that bother me so much. Heck, I quit drugs and drinking years ago without any problems. It's the psychological aspect. It's a mind thing. Just the thought of being without cigarettes messes with my head. This is the heart of my addiction. This is where I have to focus the effort to quitting. I think hypnotherapy will be the key, for me, to breaking the habit. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. This time I'm ready. It will be a big change in my life, but this time I want to.
2) Two friends, one very near and dear to my heart and the other a somewhat new friend I think very highly of, fell head-over-heels, deep down to the giggly smiley bone, in love. Y'all, I couldn't be happier for them than if they had both won the Powerball Lottery for a gazillion bucks. I won't deny that some time back I planted a little seed in their brains about their spending time together. Both are single, about the same age, have an unbelievable amount in common, and it just seemed like a perfect match to me. Guess that little seed took root. I've been standing back, watching the sprouting like a proud Mamma. Looks like a has flower bloomed.
They came to see me this weekend to tell me they are officially a "couple". They wanted me to be the first to know. As if I couldn't see it for myself! Lordy! They were like silly teenagers. Smiling as if they'd just swallowed a handful of happy pills. His comment was, "Knocked on my ass." Honestly, I couldn't stop smiling either. It was beautiful. I loved seeing them so happy, so full of that mystical, magical feeling called love. Especially early stage, brand new, make you feel all tingly and giddy love. I can't imagine two people more perfect for each other.
And while I am coming to care very much for her, he has been a close friend for several years now. He's one of the few people in this world I actually trust. Seeing him smile, seeing him this happy, is better than words can describe. It's like seeing that illusive thing called "faith in something bigger" live and in action. He is an amazing human being, deserving of all the joy this world (and any other) has to offer. It fills my heart to bursting to see, to be a part of, such a blessing as this friend finding love in his life. It's a gift.
3) In a previous post I talked about a woman whom I called "Anne". I told you about my not being liked by this woman and spoke briefly about the troubles I've had with her. I also told you that because she is friends with some of my friends, I said I was willing to open our doors to her being a part of the store and it's changes if my friends felt she would be a benefit to us. Truthfully, I didn't think that would ever happen. Not because of my feelings toward her but because of what I believed her feeling toward me to be. Well, I have to say I got a big surprise about that this weekend. A really big surprise.
Seems Anne had told a mutual friend she thinks she may have cast unfair judgement on me and is open to mending the fence. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Really. I was shocked to my toenails. I think I was stunned speechless for a minute. I've thought about it since I heard it and am still in a mild state of shock. Naturally, at the first opportunity after hearing this yesterday I called my best friend (the one Anne almost caused me to lose) and told her about it. I needed to hear her opinion on the subject. She was shocked, too.
Part of what surprised me was my split-second initial reaction. Which was, Oh Hell No! I honestly thought I would have had a different reaction. I thought I was past such a reaction. I would have sworn I was. When I analyzed it I understood it was simply more fear bubbling up. Still a deep insecurity of Anne possibly destroying another friendship that I value. The thought of it makes me shiver to my bones. Yes, I have a deep fear on that level. But as I analyzed it further, I felt better because I know these friendships, the ones I fear losing, are stronger than Anne, stronger than anything she could say or do. These people know me and care about me. They would come to me if any problem or conflict should ever arise between us. And the feelings we have for each other would triumph over any conflict. While that knowledge didn't completely erase the fear, it abated it considerably. I'm still a non-confrontational person and part of the fear is in dealing with a conflict should it ever come up. That fear is an old, way back from early childhood, kind of fear. It's the same one I feel when I hear someone yelling or arguing. I don't know if I will ever get over that particular fear.
Anyway, on with the story. I told the friend who told me about Anne's desire to reconcile I would be willing to talk to Anne. But I have a couple of conditions and I don't think they are inappropriate or unreasonable considering the circumstance. The first being that I'm not going to be the one to make the first move. My conscience is clear about the past issues between Anne and myself and I don't feel I have anything to make ammends for. The second is that if Anne messes with any of my friendships, starts any crap, I will be on her like white on rice. I may be non-confrontational at heart, but I can attack when necessary. I won't hesitate to go for the throat with Anne. And, I'll boot her from our store, no matter what, faster than the speed of light. I will not allow her to mess with my friendships, and I most certainly not allow her to mess with the store. Period.
But my second reaction to this is "Wow?!". Yes, both exclamation point and question mark intended. I'm still puzzling over this coming up just a couple of days after my having posted a blog entry about Anne. Interesting timing. The question mark end of it is I'm very curious to see where this will lead. And why, after all these years, is she suddenly having a change of heart/attitude? I think it's partly because Anne has finally realized there was another person, who shall remain nameless, who is largely responsible for the trouble between us. And partly because she sees what we are building at the store, the potential for what it can and will be, and wants to be a part of it more than she wants to keep feeding her ill will toward me. I think it's good. Now, whether or not Anne will indeed call me or come to the store to talk to me remains to be seen.
4) The changes in myself, on a personal level, keep expanding and growing. Instead of feeling so confused and undirected in my life I am starting to feel the possibilites. Like the first glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing questions answered and old issues resolving. I'm thinking about things in new ways, with new eyes and a different attitude in my heart. I jokingly made the comment at the end of the previous post about Anne that maybe what I was thinking at the time showed me I was making progress. Maybe I was more right about that than I realized. I feel I am making progress with me.
I had a very long talk with a friend about my spiritual question/difficulties the other day. The feeling I had at the end of our conversation was relief. It wasn't a great "Ah ha!" kind of relief, more of a putting an extra warm blanket on the bed on a chilly night kind of relief. I felt relaxed in a way I haven't in a long, long time. No, I didn't solve all of my problems nor answer a lot of my questions, but it seemed like being confused and lacking clear direction wasn't as big of an obsticle in my way anymore. It feels like, no matter what my issues are right now, spiritual or whatever, that it's Okay. And it's going to continue to be Okay. I know, can feel, resolutions and answers are coming, and it won't be long. I'm looking forward to what's just down the road because I know it's all good.
Namaste, y'all ...
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