As promised in my previous post, I took pictures of my current work in progress and finally got them posted on my Wet Brush page of my website. Honestly, after redesigning the site and creating the page I really thought I'd be making good use of it. Ah well, you know what they say about good intentions and that road to Hell. Anyway, it's got something on it now and y'all are welcome to have a peek if you're so inclined.
The thing about creating the page was to give people an opportunity to see a real work in progress - after all, it's the title of this blog page; people want to see an artist work; and also, it was meant to help get me over the fear factor of showing incomplete work. What you start out with is often times not what you end up with. All the stages in between can be sometimes pretty cool looking and sometimes what I call "the ugly stage." More times than not, until it's near completion, the work lurks mostly in that ugly place. The husband is one of the worst for asking things like, "Why is that spot there?" or "Is this going part to stay like this?" It can be very irritating because, typically, what he's questioning is part of the painting I haven't worked much on. It will be changing, developing, and I don't always know exactly how yet.
When I paint, I move around the image a lot. I work on one area, then another, then another, etc. Typically, I don't "complete" an area until I have worked on some part of the entire thing. A lot of artists out there do finish one area at a time. I can't do that. I like being able to mess with this part or that, build up this and compare it to that, and so forth. I might work one area while another is drying. I might be having so much fun (or trouble) with one area I keep at that place until I'm satisfied with it. Like doing a puzzle. Piece and part at a time.
So, when I show work that isn't complete, I sort of duck my head 'cause I know someone out there is going to look at it and think it's messed up or pick it apart .... all because, like the husband, they have a hard time grasping that IT ISN'T FINISHED yet. Just like with the current work in progress, if you look at it, you will see I changed the butterfly design. I don't show all the photos, but I even changed the butterfly coloration several times. I changed the clouds a couple of times. Nothing, at this time, is set in stone and it's all subject to change at any given moment. And thus, as I said, I'm hoping the page will help me with the issue of displaying unfinished work. That's my theory anyway.
On to another subject entirely...
I had a friend over last night and we spent a long time talking about a lot of things. It was a really nice evening and as it went along I realized more and more why I like this person so much. She's wickedly funny, intelligent, and very insightful about many things. She opens mental doors for me by simple statements she makes or even through some of the questions she asks. She makes me think and I love that. One of the things which kept knocking around in my head long after she left was in regards to a discussion we had about a mutual acquaintance. For ease of story telling I'm going to call this acquaintance "Anne."
Now, Anne, for reasons I can't presume to know or attempt to explain, doesn't like me. I think it was one of those instant dislikes from the first moment we met a long time ago. Honestly, I felt her wall go up the minute I looked into her eyes and said, "Hello." Ya' know, reality is that not every person you meet will like you ... and vice versa. That's life and I accept it for what it is. Although I felt her dislike I tried to be friendly with her, accept her into my life because she was friends with my friends, and because it's just the right thing to do. Do unto others and all that jazz. What was very hard to accept was how her dislike of me infiltrated a friendship I had with someone else. I won't go into details but suffice it to say it created a tension between my friend and I. We resolved the thing, but I pulled away from having any more contact or association with Anne than absolutely necessary.
Some time later it happened again. And again, I'm not going into details. Let's just say that this time it was much worse. It involved the same friend and I came within a gnats' ass of losing the friendship. It almost broke my heart to think I was going to lose my friend. I don't get close to many people and when I do I invest a lot of my heart into the relationship. I see that relationship as a lifelong investment, a commitment, that I take very seriously. Naturally, in response to a perceived threat to my other friendship, I made every attempt to shut anything to do with Anne out of my life completely. I didn't hate her, I simply didn't want anything to do with her. I detached myself emotionally from her and her feelings towards me; pretty much thought of her as if she didn't exist. For a long time it worked.
A while back, it almost happened again with a different, relatively new friend who also knows Anne. The fear of losing a growing friendship I was enjoying and coming to care about, the frustration of Anne harboring her resentments against me, just the whole issue of her having any effect on my life at all really got under my skin for a little while. This new friend and Anne had had a "falling out" and I had encouraged my new friend to try to rebuild her friendship with Anne. But I'll tell ya', Anne certainly felt like a bad penny that kept turning up no matter what I did. I'd been out of any contact with Anne for several years and if anyone brought up her name to me I always said the same thing, "I think Anne is a beautiful, intelligent, creative and talented woman." I do feel that way about her. I may dislike other things about her behavior, but I can admit, willingly so, she has some positives, too. We all have positives and negatives. She's no different.
With the last incident, that it angered me and frustrated me for a couple of days, made me realize I hadn't let go of the fear of her creating problems between my friends and I. It wasn't really her, it was my own insecurity talking. It's an old insecurity, goes way back, based on the experiences of losing people or things I would get emotionally attached to. After a bit of mulling this over, I had to thank her (silently and to myself, of course) for helping me deal with an old bag of rocks I'd been carrying around. It also helped me to see how some of the people I care about care about me in ways I hadn't really been seeing clearly. Valuable learning experience. A personal growth experience. Life lesson. Point taken.
Anne came up in the conversation with my friend and I last night because I had mentioned Anne in relationship to some changes going on in the store. I had wondered if Anne might be another person who could be a part of what we're working on building with this business. Part of me suggested it because I realize Anne is still friends with some of my friends; part because I believe Anne to be creative and talented and a potential benefit on those terms; partly because I know Anne could probably use the money she could make from the store; and because I was trying to be nice. I did tell my friend I didn't know if Anne could get past the "me" part of associating with the store, but I would at least be willing to try. If it bit me in the ass again it would be no one's fault but my own. I did have hesitations and such, but I would try if my friends thought Anne was someone they wanted as part of the business.
My friend, after talking for awhile, asked me point blank, that given the history between Anne and myself, my reservations and hesitations and all of that, why I would even suggest it. I think I mouthed out all of the reasons I thought were behind it. I meant them when I said them. But later, after I was alone and getting ready for bed I realized I think I wanted more the opportunity to truly put it all behind me. I'll say it again, you can't go through life with the thought that everyone you meet will like you. You'll be quickly disappointed and disillusioned on that notion. I don't expect Anne to like me. I don't expect to change her mind. I don't want to make apologies for things I didn't do and try to smooth things over. I don't want to even attempt to rehash any of it. As I thought about it more, I understood it wasn't resolution or forgiveness or closure or any of those things I wanted. I simply want to move forward away from it. But I also realized that I care about my friends and the success of what we're doing that I am willing to accept Anne for the benefit of the whole if she would indeed be such a benefit.
As I lay there in the dark thinking about it I had one of those little epiphanies: Anne has taught me another lesson. I was learning a lesson of the heart ... I have some of the most amazing, caring, beautiful friends anyone could ever hope to have. And although at this time I'm having my own struggle with self-worth and emotional detachment towards myself, blah, blah, blah, my heart is still open to them, my friends. It's wide open. It's exposed and vulnerable and I'm really, surprisingly, okay with it. For once, instead of fearing it, I'm deeply grateful for it. Instead of retreating to my own little world as I would normally do when I'm having self issues, I'm still keeping my heart, and my little world, open to others. Big major step for me. A "Holy Shmoly!" kind of step for me.
I'll take it to mean I'm making progress. :)
Namaste, y'all ...
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