Seven years ago I temporarily lost my sanity and allowed the husband to talk me into the purchase of a Fantom Fury vacuum cleaner for our new house. I stood there in the store and listened to him raving about how the one he and his ex-wife had was just fantastic, couldn't get a better vacuum cleaner for the money, etc. The Fantoms aren't cheap, just so y'all know. And wouldn't ya' know it, I have regretted that purchase ever since. Oh yes, folks, how I have regretted it. The Fantom and I were destined to clash and it became an ongoing battle to see who would outlive the other. It's been a long, tough war.
I, the Domestic Goddess, am victorious!
The bastard has finally bought the farm. Kicked the bucket. Vac'd it's last 'cuum. And I was not sorry to be witness to it's final sputtering, wheezing, gasping demise. No indeed. I went the very next day and bought a new vacuum cleaner to celebrate. Hoorah!
Women and vacuum cleaners are a delicate combination. Kind of like women and closets or kitchen cabinets. Just any ol' vacuum won't fit the bill. Each and every woman alive has her own individual requirements, needs to be satisfied, functions and frills check list. It must do X, Y and/or Z; must have A, B and/or C. Like a man buying a John Deere tractor, features and functionality are important components to the relationship between woman and machine.
The Fantom had strike one before we even left the store ... it was an upright.
I was raised with canister vacuum cleaners. Actually, we used the one that belonged to my grandmother (father's mother) until it finally died. I don't recall the brand name but that sucker lived and worked like a champ for 30+ years. We mourned it's loss for a long time. Mother was never able to replace it with anything nearly as good.
After the loss of the old one we would often borrow my other grandmother's Rainbow vacuum. Another champ. The entire family fought over it. Rarely did you actually go to my grandmother's house to get it ... nope, you usually had to go over to one or another of my aunt's or cousin's houses to snatch it from them. When my grandmother went into a nursing home a few years ago that Rainbow was probably the only thing in her house the family tussled over. I think my Uncle Dale won the battle.
Well, over the years I've had several different vacuum cleaners. Most always a canister type. I did once own a red Dirt Devil upright that wasn't so bad. Still, my wee domestic goddess heart loves dragging a canister around the house. Uprights are typically, for me anyway, awkward and bulky. I can't just slide them under the bed or the sofa. Rarely is the hose attachment very long or very powerful (Well, that sounds kinda' pervy ... *hee*) for getting under stuff. Nope, using an upright means you've got to move all the damn furniture around to vacuum under it.
Then you've got the other issue of maneuverability. Uprights are basically designed to roll forward and backward. Period. Getting the thing to move around stuff is just plain and simply a pain-in-the-butt. Lord help you if it's a heavy model, as was the Fantom.
Functionality. Of course, I haven't tested all the uprights out there on the market (and Heaven knows there are thirteen dozen of 'em) but with those I have used I find that if it does carpet reasonably well then you can be assured it won't do a damn thing on a bare floor, like say the kitchen or laundry room. They tend to blow the dirt around, not vacuum it up. Why do double duty with a broom & dustpan if you can get it with the vacuum cleaner?
Attachments. Nine times out of ten the hose attachment on an upright (as previously stated) isn't very long, nor very powerful. I like to do my dusting with the vacuum cleaner and I have yet to find an upright which does this with ease. As for the attachments, they are usually stuck on stupid plastic pegs on the body of the upright ... and aren't very secure. Bump the wall, the crevasse tool falls off. Bump the sofa leg, the upholstery attachment falls off. And because the hose is weak, these attachments are pretty much useless anyway. The attachments to my Fantom have remaind in a box in a closet since the second time I used it.
Then some idiot invented the "bagless" upright. Excuse me if I offend someone here but, I swear to God, it must have been a man. And ladies, we all know men don't vacuum. Do they not realize how nasty a bagless vacuum cleaner is? Do they not grasp the concept that I don't want to have to poke my hand up into the vacuum cleaner to scoop out that accumulated dust/dirt stuff around the vacuum port? Do they not see that in doing so dust/dirt flies out all over the place, not to mention getting all over my hand and arm? Do they not comprehend that having to bang the container against the trash can creates a cloud of dust/dirt in the kitchen or where ever you empty the thing? It's disgusting. Yep, smart guy, that jazzy Heppa filter sure does the trick, Thank you so very much.
Give me a canister with a bag any day. The cord is always a mile long and retractable. The hose can usually suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ... and the attachments are both fully functional and nicely tucked away inside the body of the vacuum when not in use. It maneuvers beautifully under and around any and all furniture. The bag, when full, is easily lifted out and disposed of cleanly. They do both carpet and bare floors like a dream. Dusting, no problemo. Oh yeah, I'm a canister girl, yes I am.
When I told the husband the Fantom died, rather gleefully I admit, he was immediately concerned. He knew what was going to happen. He even dared tell me I was making a mistake. Butt head. He's only vacuumed this house three, maybe four times in seven years. 'Nuf said about that.
I told him, right after using that Fantom the very first time, as soon as that son-of-a-bitch died I was getting a real vacuum cleaner. (I want a brand new Rainbow but I can't afford it.) Despite the gazillion uprights out there you can still get a nice canister vacuum at a good price. So when the Fantom launched into it's death throes and expired on Monday I was all but skipping to the store before it's last gasp to replace it with a canister model. On Tuesday, at Sears, I purchased a Kenmore Progressive. Took it home and used it immediately. Love it.
Naturally, the husband had to go through the whole 20-Questions routine.
Husband - "Does it have good suction?"
Me - "Yes, Dear."
Husband - "Yeah, but does it have a beater bar to fluff the carpet?"
Me - "Yes, Dear."
Husband - "But it doesn't have a Heppa filter!?"
Me - "The bags are Heppa filter bags, Dear."
Husband - "You still have to move the furniture though."
Me - "No, Dear, I just lay that wand flat to the ground and go right under every piece of furniture in the living room and under the bed, too."
Husband - "But it's a pain to drag around."
Me - "No, it's got super slick wheels, 360° swivel hose at the base, the vacuum head is feather-light with edge-to-edge cleaning, the power cord is 12 ft. long and retractable - I can plug it into one outlet and vacuum the entire house, which I couldn't do with the Fantom. It goes from carpet to floor setting with a thumb switch and the beater bar shuts off so it vacuums instead of blowing dirt around."
Husband - "Well ........ "
Me - "Well nuthin'. I like it. I'm happy with it. I'm keeping it."
Husband -
Smart fella', knows when he's beaten.
As for me, I think I may just go vacuum the carpet .....
Namaste y'all ...
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