It's that time of year again ...

I want to be in a far-away place that is quiet, no demands on my time, no worries, no obligations. I want to be in a place with neither telephone nor cellphone, no husband, no piles of dirty laundry, no business tax forms to deal with, no yard work to be done, no sleepless nights, no "List Of Things To Do", no groceries to buy, no classes to teach, no website needing updates, no reasons for me to be melancholy and complaining.

I want to be where I can hear the flow of water in a creek, where I can wallow on a big, soft bed with a snugly quilt, where I can let go and just forget about things for awhile. Am I asking for too much? I think not. We all deserve a break from reality once in awhile ... mine, unfortunately, will have to wait. I know of no such far-away place and I still have a lot to cross of my List Of Things To Do to be skipping off to Never-Never Land.

I told myself this Autumn would be different because things were different. There would be no cause for this bout of sadness and melancholia I have every year. Much to my chagrin it's apparently hit me anyway. Today, while talking to a friend, I had a rush of the most overwhelming sense of sadness and burst into tears for no justifiable reason. Chat, chat, chat - cry, cry, cry. As a rule, I don't cry. I felt foolish and yet I had an odd feeling of relief. What is it about this time that upsets me so?

In typical KaliMaya fashion, I have analyzed it obsessively. While I can come up with no definitive explanation, I have realized the most prevailing feeling I experience at this time is the feeling of loss. I am grieving for something that is gone and may never come back to me in the way I once experienced it. What is that? What have I lost? It's quite simple really. I have "lost" someone I love. It's strange to say that, to even attempt to explain it, because he isn't really gone. He is still a part of my life and I know he will be as long as the Fates allow. But as life sometimes goes, we are married to other people and live lives completely independent and separate from each other. For the present, as well as an unforeseeable future, this is how things will remain indefinitely ... therein lies the rub.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am deeply and truly grateful for the life I have. I really am. Over the last few years I have done things I was once only able to dream of doing. I have a kind husband. I have beautiful, caring friends. I have a nice home, food in the cupboard, clothes to wear, yarn to knit, paintings to paint, a fledgling Reiki practice, a fat orange cat - lots and lots of things to be thankful for and happy with having. Every day is a new day to grow and learn and experience life. But I still miss him. And I do sometimes wish things could be different.

Three other seasons out of the year I don't dwell on "what could have been" or "what might some day be". I live my life, do my thing, and find a good measure of peace in just having him a part of my life at all. My rational, logical side is dominant. I understand the how and the why and I'm content with it. I don't analyze it. I let it be what it is and move along. Then comes Autumn and my emotional side jumps up and smacks me up-side the head. It stomps around on my heart. It brings out the overly sensitive, hopeless romantic side of me and leaves me knotted up with a useless longing for what can't be ... the ability to be together in a typical relationship. I can't reach out and hold his hand; I can't sleep with his arm around me; I can't listen to him talk about his day over dinner; we can't go for a walk in the woods on a Saturday morning; we can't do all of those simple, ordinary things that a "couple" can do.

Oh yes, I hear all of the "Wait a minute ... you're married!" exclamations in the background. Yeah, I am. But I'm not married to him. And, he is married to someone else, too. He lives in another state, and as I said, has a life that is totally and completely unrelated to me just as I have a life he has no part in either. I'm as happy for him and the life he has as I am for my own life. I want him to feel at peace and content with his life even if that life doesn't include me. How could I possibly feel otherwise? I do know he misses me sometimes, and I do know he cares about me, too.

So why should I feel the sadness and loss? That's a really good question and I have no clear answer or resolution. My logical side tells me there is a lesson I am supposed to be learning by all of this ... my emotional side is still in the "Huh?" stage and hasn't caught up and figured it out yet. It will, but it will take a little more time, maybe another season or two when the emotional side lies dormant and logic holds the reigns. *sigh* For the time being, I'll watch the leaves change colors and imagine a log cabin somewhere in the mountains with a quilt on the bed and the peaceful sound of flowing water.

Namaste, y'all ...