Good things in tough times.

Earlier this evening I had my nightly phone call with the husband. It was upsetting because I had to tell him the computer system he's been contemplating buying to go with his Korg keyboard, financially speaking, isn't an option right now ... nor in the foreseeable future. I had to explain the nasty and ever increasing costs of living over the past months vs. his lower income since having to change jobs earlier in the year. But, we are like thousands of others trying to make ends meet on a tighter and tighter budget. It's depressing as Hell. It made me feel miserable to burst his bubble on the computer. It felt even worse to explain why. Yet, there isn't much to be done about it. Life is what life is for all of us at present and we do the best we can.

But even sitting here feeling sad, upset and wanting to do nothing but sit in the middle of the floor and have a good cry, I had to stop and think about how there's still an incredible amount of abundance in my life. It lead me to think about something in particular that has happened recently that I have neglected to share. Sorry about that, but I've been sort of keeping it close to explore the feelings privately for awhile. This seems like an good time to talk about it.

Back in September I posted about a woman I referred to as "Anne". In that post I told you about dealing with the issue of my belief that Anne did not like me. As things ironically go, a short time later I posted the surprising bit of news that Anne was interested in reconciling the situation between us. I yammered on about my reaction and feelings and all that fluffy stuff. I left it hanging with no conclusion as to whether or not Anne ever came to talk with me. Well, she did and I'm damned happy about it.

While I won't deny we are both still stepping a little lightly and being cautious, I think it's not unrealistic given our history. Neither one wants to go backward into any of that again, or step forward wrongly with each other. It's quite natural that we take time and build the friendship, just as any two people trying to get to know each other would do. But personally speaking, I'd say she's become a welcome addition to my list of friends. It's nice. I'm glad things are as they are between us now. I look forward to the discussions we'll have (she's smart and funny), things we might do together (she's creative and crafty), things we'll learn from each other (things as ordinary as cooking tips to big stuff like life lessons), etc. as friends do with time.

The whole experience has already been such a lesson for me for a lot of reasons. It's a lesson in being willing to resolve things I find to be unpleasant and would prefer to just walk away from. It's humbling to be given a second change at friendship. It's been an opportunity to express thankfulness and appreciation to someone I thought I'd never be speaking to again. It's been a lesson in opening myself up, to understanding forgiveness, and being understanding of the feelings of others in a way I really hadn't been able to do before.

And it set me up to puting some of these lessons into action with another person I know with whom I've recently had a misunderstanding/miscommunication/conflict ... for which I'm largely responsible. I took something she said, read an incorrect meaning into it, and slammed her for it. It was wrong, but at the time, I really did feel her comment was snipey and hurtful. As is in my nature to do, I lashed back. (There is indeed real and fitting truth behind the decriptions of the traits of our astrological signs and I am a Scorpio.) She, of course, responded in kind.

The me of not so long ago would have just said 'F' it and walked away. Written it off and moved on. But this time it all just didn't sit well. I chewed on it for a bit and then discussed it with a friend whom I have the deepest respect for. I value his opinion and trust his advice. He pointed out things about myself I hadn't really been aware of, helped me re-evaluate and look at it from the other side of the fence. That evening I apologized to the person I had created the conflict with and have made arrangements to meet with her to discuss it one-on-one so that she may say anything to me she would like to say further about it. I plan to extend my apology again and, hopefully, put it behind me as a lesson learned. Maybe it will be resolved and it won't, but this time I couldn't let the conflict linger for years. I couldn't turn my back and attempt to wish it into oblivion. This time I am making the effort to confront and resolve it with good intentions and sincere apologies for my part in it. I'll let the Divine take it from there.

And I think that's a good thing even if it's hard to do. I think, even while the realities of everyday life are hard and troublesome and I want to sit and cry, it's a good thing to still count the blessings I have. I have the gift of a new friendship. I'm really trying to move forward positively in dealing with a negative aspect of my personality - a personal growth thing. I have a friend I call talk to about all of it and know I'm heard, never judged, and cared for enough to be told the truth - even if it stings. Even though I've got problems and trying times at present I'm still wallowing in abundance when I open my eyes and see it. And that's most certainly a good thing.

Namaste, y'all ...

A day to be thankful ...

Happy Turkey Day, y'all ...

Technically speaking, I think every day you should remember to be thankful for what you have. I'm saddened how anymore it seems to require a holiday to make people stop and remember to be grateful/thankful. When I light that stick of incense every morning I take a minute to say "Thanks!" for all the good stuff in my life ... and "Thanks!" for all the not-so-good stuff, too. Good things, well, are good things. The bad, they help you appreciate the good and they are lessons to learn from. Of course, that's my humble opinion.

The things I'm thankful are probably simple and ordinary to most folks, but I'm okay with that. My list includes, but is not limited to:

• Every day is a new opportunity to try again.
• The gift of being human.
• My Spirit Guides and how they care for me, protect me, and help me on this journey.
• The ever evolving and growing connection I have with the Divine source.
• Every event and every person who has contributed in one way or another to my being who and where I am today.
• That I know what true love is.
  
• M. Personal and I won't elaborate.
• The husband and all he does for me.
• The miracle of the incredible friendships I have in my life.
• My home, it's comfort and protection.
• Tuck, and the sweet and goofy bundle of furry kitty-love that he is.
• Open Hands and the friend/business partnership I have with three amazing people.
• The ability to paint and the joy of art.
• The change of seasons even if I'm not particularly fond of cold weather. - But hey, knitting and knitted stuff is a bonus to cold weather, so it does have it's upside!
• Knitting and stores full of delicious yarn.
  
• Coffee and flavored hot teas - most wonderful stuff.
  
• Books! A person can never have enough books.
• Rubi, my pretty little Jeep that reliably gets me where I need to go.
• Thick, warm socks.
• The invention of electricity and light bulbs.
• Camping and the campfire.
• Creeks, especially one you can camp next to.
• Adobe Photoshop.
  
• Chocolate truffles. Need I say more?

Yeah, I could sit here for a long time and rattle off dozens of things, but you get the gist. Like I said, items on my thankful list are rather obvious. But maybe that's as it should be sometimes. Too often we forget about those simple things, everyday things. The things we take for granted, like having a car that starts on a cold morning or a glass of sweet iced tea on a hot summer day. Those are the things that make up our lives moment to moment. Yes, be thankful for the big stuff, but don't forget the small things.

So let me leave you with this image of considerable charm and the magic of love ...

Photo swiped from CuteOverload.com

At last ... an accomplishment.

I decided to take yesterday, Sunday, off from any form of work. No housework. No store work. No art work. It feels like months since I've been able to do that. Always a list of a gazillion things needing my attention or to be done hovering over my head like a big dark cloud. Even the few times I've curled up on the couch with the husband to watch a movie has been overshadowed by the knowledge of what else I should be and/or could be doing with that couple of hours. I've been feeling like all I do is work and no play. Not a good thing.

I really needed a break. Downtime. My time. Just a day to do what I wanted and nothing else. I spent the day kicked back on the sofa, pot of tea at the ready, watching movies and knitting a scarf my friend Rena requested as a present for her friend Michelle. The yarn is a lovely super bulky acrylic bouclé in a cherry & burgundy colored fiber blend by Red Heart. I had started the scarf a couple of days ago, snatching an few minutes here and there, but hadn't gotten more than about 10-12" knit. I used my favorite size 11 bamboo needles and a plain garter stitch.

I've only met Michelle once and wasn't sure about "size". She's not a tall person and about average in body size. I also wasn't sure of her scarf preference. Some people like big fluffy scarves for warmth, some like small and more as an accessory than for being functional. I opted for an in-between.

Since Michelle actually picked out the yarn herself, I figured the scarf needed to show off the yarn more than the stitches ... and bouclé, being all bumpy and twisty, isn't conducive to showing stitch pattern anyway. I don't really remember the number of cast on stitches, somewhere around 12. It measured out to be 4" wide. Using the size 11 needles with such a bulky bouclé kept the knitting dense, disguising the plain garter stitch (which isn't my favorite in appearance). It shows off the both the puff of the yarn and it's bi-coloration nicely.

So, I, like I said, I made a pot of tea and popped in the first movie. I picked Das Boot because it's a long movie, I've seen it several times, and could "listen" more than watch. I'm not one of those enviable knitters who can knit without watching what they're doing. No sir, I've gotta' watch every stitch or I make a big mess. All things set, I started knitting. And knit. And knit. And knit. Three long movies and two pots of tea later I'd knit up another 60" of scarf, making it a total length of 72". Nice and long.

On Saturday after the store closed, Rena and I drove up the mountain to Asheville. Our first stop was Asiana for sushi. Very tasty, I might add. Then we zipped over to AC Moore crafts store to buy beading for the scarf. I thought it needed a bit of extra pizazz. We found a cool pre-woven rick-rack & bead combo by TrimTations. Matched perfectly. After finishing the knitting part of the scarf, I stitched the bead-trim to the ends. If I do say so myself, I think it turned out rather pretty.

See for yourself ...



And that was about the extent of my day. Not too bad. Only downside was it made me want a lot more days just like it.

Namaste, y'all ...

Decisions, decisions.

I'm lying there in bed last night, completely frustrated over my attempt at painting. I reworked that damn butterfly from Hell seven times and STILL didn't like it one iota. Not one. Not even half an iota. Niet. Pas. Nicht. Non. Não. I don't even like it multilingually. And I stewed, just as I said I would. Stewed into the wee hours of the night.

Eventually, comprehension set it. I hate the shape of that damn butterfly. Wings are wrong. It's too flat. It's just wrong all over. Wrong. And then the question of what to do about it began rolling around in my head.

Damn butterfly.

--- Ah Ha! ---

Paint over the little bastard. I don't even care if it does screw up the background, which I was actually starting to like. It's acrylic. Get over it and paint over it. Adios old butterfly. Start fresh. A better butterfly. New and improved butterfly. Painter friendly butterfly. Nice butterfly.

So I did. Poof! A few swishes of the brush and bye-bye butterfly. I can't begin to describe the feeling of relief. No matter that so much effort disappeared in a matter of 2.3 minutes. It was good. It felt good.

Why does it take so long to figure this stuff out? Why do I keep working at something until I'm frazzled and cranky and hating every minute of the process? Why is it that I have such a hard time of recognizing a block and moving around it? I do this surprisingly often when I'm painting. It's as if I get stuck in trying to make something right (or work) and worry with it like a dog with a bone. Do other artists do that?

Anyway, I pilfered through my reference material, found a butterfly I like much better and have just finished drawing it onto the canvas a few minutes ago. On a roll now. At least, I was until I started thinking about coloration. Sheesh! Decision making time. There I am, feeling rather sassy and all geared up to sling some paint and Wham! I've got color issues.

I guess I should go sit and stew some more.

Namaste, y'all ...

All's quiet on the western front, that is, when the cat is sleeping.

Life Of Leisure

Wow! It's been eons since my last post. Okay, maybe not eons, but close. Where does the time go? February was last week, wasn't it? Scary, this getting older thing and the way time zips by like a dragonfly on speed. The getting older part isn't bad. It's just the time thing that bothers me. Too much left to do. Good thing I plan on living until I'm 102. Since I just turned 44 yesterday, I've still got a long way to go.

So what's been going on over the past month? A lot. Big changes at the store. We've started our own publication called ACCESS. Considering there isn't much in the way of being able to advertise locally, it made sense to take matters into our own hands. Granted, it's going to be a huge, and sometimes frustrating, undertaking to put together each month but I think it's well worth the effort in the long run. Unfortunately, this is only our second month and it's too soon to gauge it's effectiveness. The response from people who have seen it has been positive and that's encouraging.

So far, both issues have taken far longer to get ready and to the printer than they should have. Both times there have been deadline issues, program issues, file issues and such. I know it's going to take awhile to really get the kinks out and have it be relatively easy to do monthly in a timely manner. That's the nature of graphics, printing, advertising, distribution, etc. I hate to say it, but it brings back bad memories of my days in the graphics industry and I'm not much likin' that part. But like I said, it's our best shot at getting the advertising we need to keep the store moving forward and the doors open.

Other changes are happening at the store as well. Some associates are gone, some hanging on, and some will probably go by the wayside before long. That's okay. Those who want to be there will be there and make use of the space available to them. Kind of like weeding the garden so the flowers have a better chance to grow and flourish. I'm disappointed about some of them not working out as I had hoped. Unfortunately, you can't make someone take advantage of a good opportunity, nor can you force them to do anything they aren't ready or willing to do. You just have to move on to the next thing and forget what didn't work out. I try to think of it as a positive thing (weeding) and believe the store will be the better for it.

Work in the studio has been painfully slow, almost non-existent. Although I've sneaked an hour here and there I haven't made much progress on the work-in-progress. It's really frustrating, wanting to paint and not having time ... or having a little time and not wanting to do it. To be perfectly honest, the painting isn't going like I want and I'm disgusted with it. I can't figure out what to do or where to go with it. Like having a flat tire, dead on the side of the road and no spare in the trunk. Do you wait for a ride or start walking?

I won't lie, I dread the thought setting it aside and starting on a new piece, but that's what I may have to do. Maybe I could try doing it smaller? The large canvas feels overwhelming given the amount of time I'm able to get in there and paint. I just don't know. Stew on it for awhile longer I suppose. But, I do have a few photos to add to the Wet Brush page on the website. Hopefully I'll get them posted in the next few days.

The quit smoking - hypnosis thing didn't work out after all. The therapist remembered another appointment she'd scheduled prior to scheduling mine and it kind of left me hanging. I'd gotten myself all worked up for that day and poof! No-go. Considering that she'd felt that I was going to be a "challenge" and had to do extra research in order to work with me, the difficulties we'd had with scheduling in the first place, and a couple of other issues, when I got her email about the prior appointment my confidence level in the process went straight down the tubes. I'm extremely disappointed and don't think, knowing how I am, that I could get it back very easily now.

I guess it means I'm going to have to figure a way to just do it on my own, even if I have a melt-down in the process. (I'm not sure if I'm kidding about that!) I do know if I chose to seek out a different hypnotherapist I'll have to find one with years of experience under their belt. Thing is, I just don't feel all excited about it like I did. My bubble got burst. I'm actually feeling rather sincerely crappy and sad about it. I felt like I'd found a viable source of help and the rug got pulled out from under me. But I'm not giving up on quitting! As I said, I just have to figure out a way to do it by myself. Wish me luck.

Got Tuck fixed. Knocked in neutral. Nipped & tucked. Poor fella'. Surprisingly, you wouldn't think anything was out of the ordinary with the way he's been ka-zingin' around the house ever since he got back home. One would be inclined to believe he's been smoking the catnip on the sly. Either that or he's happy as Hell to have come away from the vet's office alive, if not totally intact. At least it's over and done and he won't start doing that male cat thing of pissing all over the house to mark his territory. Folks, if you've ever had a boy cat markin' up the house, you make damn sure it isn't likely to happen again with any new boy cat you get. Pee-ew!

Well, sorry to end on a pissy note, but hey, I'm tired and I've still got lots of stuff to do before bedtime. But then, maybe I'll go to bed and get up early instead. Hmmmmm .......

Namaste, y'all ...