Finito!, for the moment anyway.

Ah, at long last, I'm done with the first bunch of paintings for my secret art project. It remains to be seen whether this will be the only ones I do or if I'll create any more. I took photos of the work and have sent them off to be judged. Now I must wait to see what comes next. I've also sent out one of those "hope you're hearing me" wishes to the great and wise Divine to let it be whatever it's supposed to be. All I can do. I will be adding the work to my website regardless of the outcome. It's still my art. Still can sell the originals or prints if the project doesn't go any further.

I must say it's been tough working on this. Kinda' like driving blind. I was given some suggestions for subject/theme, then left to figure out what to do with it. I would like to be able to explain more, and then y'all would better understand, but it's still just an "idea" in the works and I'm not at liberty to talk about it. What I will tell you is that it involves my possibly being able to get prints into a large chain retail store. Would be pretty cool, huh? I think so. Thing is, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome for such a thing to happen. Right now, I only have a toe in the door. Baby toe at that. That's okay. I'm not expecting miracles. This is just making an attempt and, as I said, letting it be whatever it will be.

Moving on.

Other news in Carol's world is my friend/business partner, Paul, and I are relocating our Reiki business. Yee Ha! We've been in a downstairs/basement area of a building on Main St. since we started back in the late fall of last year. Between getting set up, holidays, etc. we haven't advertised much or done anything more than get the space ready, get some brochures and business cards printed and other minor things. We'd planned on getting more serious minded with the business of the business in this early part of this year. As things often go, we got a sudden, but not totally unexpected, shift in the plan.

The woman who operates a store in the upstairs, street level area of the building is closing shop. Long story there. Anyway, Paul and I are relocating the Reiki center into this upstairs space. The other store will be officially closed by tomorrow so we'll get keys and will be able to start the process of cleaning/painting the space by the weekend. We've got our paint colors picked, have been sketching out and discussing best use of the space for arrangement of everything, making plans, doing the thing. Provided the stars align as they should we will open on March 1st. I've got to tell ya' the truth, I'm excited about it.

There are no other such business in this town. We have before us an excellent opportunity to build something unique, viable, and beneficial for us as well as the community. While we do have immediate financial limitations, I believe Paul and I are creative and resourceful enough to work around it. We've got many options available to us to help us build this wellness center into something very nice, something to be proud of. We will be able to have a good sized space to provide merchandise for sale, things like salt lamps and incense - products which are suited to such a business. We will have space available to rent booth areas to other alternative healing practitioners such as massage therapists, acupuncturists, etc. We will have space to offer reiki, yoga, tai chi, etc. classes and a host of other similar things.

Yes, there is a definite opportunity here, and I've started putting the word out to people who may have a service/product, or who may know of someone who would be an asset to our business. There are lots of people here in this area who make everything from natural soaps to decorative household items which would be complementary to our center, but they have no where to practice or promote their service/product. It could be a win-win situation for us all. I have hundreds of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head. I have to keep pulling myself back to reality, to not jump ahead of myself, to not get too anxious or excited ... but it's hard to turn the ol' brain off.

For some months I've seen something like this in my head. I've stood in that upstairs area talking to the lady who owns that shop and had visions of what it could be if it were "mine" to do a store in. Of course, so much is limited with that because I don't have hundreds or thousands of dollars to crank up a business with. But I kept "seeing" it every time I stepped foot in the door. I would go home and catch myself daydreaming of "what if". I even put it out to the Universe that if something like it were possible I would very much want it to happen. Well, I may not be getting it on the grand scale I dreamed of, but it's a start. It's a baby step for Paul and I to have something, be a part of something, that is near and dear to both our hearts. We have been given a wonderful opportunity. A really wonderful opportunity. It's going to be a big change to my life, but a positive change.

In realizing this, I've also started to see things in other areas of my life changing as well. It's not even really noticeable to anyone else but me, but it's still happening none the less.

My art and my feelings toward my art are shifting. I'm finding, and trusting, that inner space of a stronger conviction of painting what I want to paint and saying to heck! with what anyone else thinks, says or feels. I've struggled with this for a very long time. I've done many paintings not because I wanted to but because I felt a push from some outside source to paint them. I won't explain all the deep, dark personal reasons I've allowed myself to be pushed. I know the what and the why and that's all that's really important, that I see it, understand it, and finally, make an attempt to confront and overcome it. I feel I'm beginning to.

The art for the "project" was a big push in that direction, too. While I was given lots of room to create the work, it was still restricted to a certain theme, a definite niche' of a particular market. Now, the potential for profitability jumped up and bit me on the butt right off - I won't deny that fact for a minute. I almost immediately started thinking in somewhat cliche' imagery for creating the paintings. I was thinking in terms of standard commissioned art. But somewhere something clicked and I just couldn't do it. I ventured off on another road, an entirely different route to the same destination. I kept the theme but produced it in what would be considered a non-traditional style. I couldn't produce cookie cutter stuff. I just couldn't.

Unlike my usual commission process, I actually took the time to evaluate just exactly what I would do if the scenario were that it was a definite go on the project, not just a toe in the door thing. Would I suck it up and paint things I don't want to paint just for the money? Oh how that's a deeply complicated and tough question to face when you're trying to make a living as an artist. Do you sacrifice for money or do you hold to your desire to create what is in your heart and pray it pays off somewhere in the end?

Some artists have the luxury, however it is for them, to not have to deal with those kinds of questions. They have freedom to paint what they want ... and they make money doing so. Some artists have to spend their entire lives painting at someone else's whimsy just to make any money at all from their skills. Their own work is done quietly, maybe hangs on the wall of their studio, and it never sees the light of day outside of their own space. For many years, I've been more the latter of the two examples. Most of the money I've made from my skill as an artist has not been from the sale of my own personal creations. Instead, it's come from commissioned works. I've painted what other people wanted me to paint. And it's been hard. Very hard.

Over the last couple of years I've felt more and more resistance to it, too. In the beginning it was great - someone requested my work! Thrill! Then it slowly became more of a chore, a dreaded job in a dark, windowless cubicle. It helped develop my skills with the mediums and the subject matter, but it did nothing for my artist's heart & soul. I kept questioning why I didn't just go get a "real" job and paint as a hobby for all the enjoyment I got out of painting anymore. That dream I had when I moved back here to be a full-time artist, of earning my living as an artist, faded from a blazing neon light to a sputtering candle flame. It didn't go out, but it's illumination dimmed to almost nothing. Going down the hall into the studio was about as enjoyable as a getting a bikini wax.

After I was first contacted about the art project I caught myself mentally wrestling with ideas and a nagging pull of finding a way to do the work but not do it as I knew was expected. Honestly, something in me just snapped. I was sitting in the middle of my studio floor, surrounded by books and magazines I'd collected for reference materials and I said, "F&%# it." I decided to create work I wanted to create and let the chips fall where they may. Two of the paintings are done in the Art Nouveau style. And folks, that set off a really big spark of light.

I suddenly had pictures and ideas for paintings jumping around in my head like popcorn in a hot skillet. I couldn't fall asleep at night for thinking about them. I'll bet I painted a hundred pictures in my head over the course of a couple of days. I felt excitement about my art that I haven't in, well, years. I wanted to throw the art project to the wind and start making the pictures in my head. I wanted to shut myself away in my studio and hope that some nice person would come feed my cat and maybe slip some grub under the door to me, too. Nice, but not likely to happen.

Despite this burst of enthusiasm I still felt that push ... do the work for the project, put my wants and desires on the back burner until it's done. Be a professional. Go for the potential money the project could bring. Suck it up and do the work. Even if it's not a real commission, treat it like one. Do the work. It was frustrating. It was stressful. No matter that the work I was creating was still "my ideas, not theirs" it became a chore to complete. There were a few days near the end that it was so hard to walk down the hall into my studio and pick up my paintbrush. Some days I had to make myself do it. Some days I simply couldn't. I'd get up, get dressed, jump in the Jeep and drive into town just to hang out with my friend Paul. I was avoiding being in the house.

I'm still getting pushed from another source to do work I really don't care to do. Again, it's personal and I'm not going to elaborate. Suffice it to say, it's still a push. But I'm finding a stronger ability to resist it. I'm winning some of those guilty conscience arguments that zing though my head. I'm feeling better about that, too. I see me taking a chance to change a behavioral attitude/pattern I've succumbed to for far too long. It's scary, yet I realize it's very, very good.

I'm giving myself freedom in the one place that is truly, deeply important to me ... my art. I've looked at other artist's websites and I see them doing exactly what I want to do. No, not the style of art, but their ability to do work they want to do and get paid for it - and apparently paid well. I've seen some who have grown from almost nothing to damn near a household name within their genre of art, all in a relatively short amount of time. Admittedly, I have envied them and their success. I have wished it for myself. But what I realized is although I have wished it, I didn't even know who I really was as an artist. I had only a vague idea of what I really wanted to do. How could I get something if I didn't have a clue what I was asking for?

Therein comes another big change I've experienced recently. If I'm totally honest with myself, I do know what I want to create. I'm not sure of precisely how - this being simply technique and I'll have to practice a bit with that part - but I know the work. I've seen it it my head. I've spent the last couple of months envisioning it. Hell, I've spent years secretly, in the recesses of my artist's heart, dreaming of it. When I allowed for the possibility of doing it my mind reeled. I lost sleep over it. I felt that sputtering candle catch fire and burn brightly. And I feel good about it. I feel something promising in the air. I almost feel as if I can't do the work fast enough. I'm both happy and scared at the same time. I'm risking to go forward, but risking even more to stand still ... and I know this. For once, I'm no longer willing to risk standing still.

Somehow, it also feels like only the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. More changes are coming, and not just with my art. Changes will come when Paul and I open the doors to our new reiki space. I'm going to be meeting new people who will bring other changes to my life. I'm letting go of things that don't work for me anymore: physically, creatively, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This feels like a momentous year ahead. I don't feel the old weight of things holding me down, holding me back as I have for most of my life. But most importantly, these changes all feel, on an intuitive level, only positive, as if I'm walking out of a dark room into sunlight.

And for me, that is probably the biggest change of all ... to not feel as if there is something mysterious and threatening lurking in the wings, waiting with baited breath, to pull the curtain just when I'm ready to sing my solo. It's rather unnerving, to tell you the truth. I keep glancing over my shoulder for my old dead-weight companion. I actually catch myself sitting up straighter when I realize it isn't there.

But, ya' know, I think that maybe for this evening I've rambled on enough and should probably go fix myself some dinner.

Namaste y'all ...