Finito!, for the moment anyway.

Ah, at long last, I'm done with the first bunch of paintings for my secret art project. It remains to be seen whether this will be the only ones I do or if I'll create any more. I took photos of the work and have sent them off to be judged. Now I must wait to see what comes next. I've also sent out one of those "hope you're hearing me" wishes to the great and wise Divine to let it be whatever it's supposed to be. All I can do. I will be adding the work to my website regardless of the outcome. It's still my art. Still can sell the originals or prints if the project doesn't go any further.

I must say it's been tough working on this. Kinda' like driving blind. I was given some suggestions for subject/theme, then left to figure out what to do with it. I would like to be able to explain more, and then y'all would better understand, but it's still just an "idea" in the works and I'm not at liberty to talk about it. What I will tell you is that it involves my possibly being able to get prints into a large chain retail store. Would be pretty cool, huh? I think so. Thing is, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome for such a thing to happen. Right now, I only have a toe in the door. Baby toe at that. That's okay. I'm not expecting miracles. This is just making an attempt and, as I said, letting it be whatever it will be.

Moving on.

Other news in Carol's world is my friend/business partner, Paul, and I are relocating our Reiki business. Yee Ha! We've been in a downstairs/basement area of a building on Main St. since we started back in the late fall of last year. Between getting set up, holidays, etc. we haven't advertised much or done anything more than get the space ready, get some brochures and business cards printed and other minor things. We'd planned on getting more serious minded with the business of the business in this early part of this year. As things often go, we got a sudden, but not totally unexpected, shift in the plan.

The woman who operates a store in the upstairs, street level area of the building is closing shop. Long story there. Anyway, Paul and I are relocating the Reiki center into this upstairs space. The other store will be officially closed by tomorrow so we'll get keys and will be able to start the process of cleaning/painting the space by the weekend. We've got our paint colors picked, have been sketching out and discussing best use of the space for arrangement of everything, making plans, doing the thing. Provided the stars align as they should we will open on March 1st. I've got to tell ya' the truth, I'm excited about it.

There are no other such business in this town. We have before us an excellent opportunity to build something unique, viable, and beneficial for us as well as the community. While we do have immediate financial limitations, I believe Paul and I are creative and resourceful enough to work around it. We've got many options available to us to help us build this wellness center into something very nice, something to be proud of. We will be able to have a good sized space to provide merchandise for sale, things like salt lamps and incense - products which are suited to such a business. We will have space available to rent booth areas to other alternative healing practitioners such as massage therapists, acupuncturists, etc. We will have space to offer reiki, yoga, tai chi, etc. classes and a host of other similar things.

Yes, there is a definite opportunity here, and I've started putting the word out to people who may have a service/product, or who may know of someone who would be an asset to our business. There are lots of people here in this area who make everything from natural soaps to decorative household items which would be complementary to our center, but they have no where to practice or promote their service/product. It could be a win-win situation for us all. I have hundreds of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head. I have to keep pulling myself back to reality, to not jump ahead of myself, to not get too anxious or excited ... but it's hard to turn the ol' brain off.

For some months I've seen something like this in my head. I've stood in that upstairs area talking to the lady who owns that shop and had visions of what it could be if it were "mine" to do a store in. Of course, so much is limited with that because I don't have hundreds or thousands of dollars to crank up a business with. But I kept "seeing" it every time I stepped foot in the door. I would go home and catch myself daydreaming of "what if". I even put it out to the Universe that if something like it were possible I would very much want it to happen. Well, I may not be getting it on the grand scale I dreamed of, but it's a start. It's a baby step for Paul and I to have something, be a part of something, that is near and dear to both our hearts. We have been given a wonderful opportunity. A really wonderful opportunity. It's going to be a big change to my life, but a positive change.

In realizing this, I've also started to see things in other areas of my life changing as well. It's not even really noticeable to anyone else but me, but it's still happening none the less.

My art and my feelings toward my art are shifting. I'm finding, and trusting, that inner space of a stronger conviction of painting what I want to paint and saying to heck! with what anyone else thinks, says or feels. I've struggled with this for a very long time. I've done many paintings not because I wanted to but because I felt a push from some outside source to paint them. I won't explain all the deep, dark personal reasons I've allowed myself to be pushed. I know the what and the why and that's all that's really important, that I see it, understand it, and finally, make an attempt to confront and overcome it. I feel I'm beginning to.

The art for the "project" was a big push in that direction, too. While I was given lots of room to create the work, it was still restricted to a certain theme, a definite niche' of a particular market. Now, the potential for profitability jumped up and bit me on the butt right off - I won't deny that fact for a minute. I almost immediately started thinking in somewhat cliche' imagery for creating the paintings. I was thinking in terms of standard commissioned art. But somewhere something clicked and I just couldn't do it. I ventured off on another road, an entirely different route to the same destination. I kept the theme but produced it in what would be considered a non-traditional style. I couldn't produce cookie cutter stuff. I just couldn't.

Unlike my usual commission process, I actually took the time to evaluate just exactly what I would do if the scenario were that it was a definite go on the project, not just a toe in the door thing. Would I suck it up and paint things I don't want to paint just for the money? Oh how that's a deeply complicated and tough question to face when you're trying to make a living as an artist. Do you sacrifice for money or do you hold to your desire to create what is in your heart and pray it pays off somewhere in the end?

Some artists have the luxury, however it is for them, to not have to deal with those kinds of questions. They have freedom to paint what they want ... and they make money doing so. Some artists have to spend their entire lives painting at someone else's whimsy just to make any money at all from their skills. Their own work is done quietly, maybe hangs on the wall of their studio, and it never sees the light of day outside of their own space. For many years, I've been more the latter of the two examples. Most of the money I've made from my skill as an artist has not been from the sale of my own personal creations. Instead, it's come from commissioned works. I've painted what other people wanted me to paint. And it's been hard. Very hard.

Over the last couple of years I've felt more and more resistance to it, too. In the beginning it was great - someone requested my work! Thrill! Then it slowly became more of a chore, a dreaded job in a dark, windowless cubicle. It helped develop my skills with the mediums and the subject matter, but it did nothing for my artist's heart & soul. I kept questioning why I didn't just go get a "real" job and paint as a hobby for all the enjoyment I got out of painting anymore. That dream I had when I moved back here to be a full-time artist, of earning my living as an artist, faded from a blazing neon light to a sputtering candle flame. It didn't go out, but it's illumination dimmed to almost nothing. Going down the hall into the studio was about as enjoyable as a getting a bikini wax.

After I was first contacted about the art project I caught myself mentally wrestling with ideas and a nagging pull of finding a way to do the work but not do it as I knew was expected. Honestly, something in me just snapped. I was sitting in the middle of my studio floor, surrounded by books and magazines I'd collected for reference materials and I said, "F&%# it." I decided to create work I wanted to create and let the chips fall where they may. Two of the paintings are done in the Art Nouveau style. And folks, that set off a really big spark of light.

I suddenly had pictures and ideas for paintings jumping around in my head like popcorn in a hot skillet. I couldn't fall asleep at night for thinking about them. I'll bet I painted a hundred pictures in my head over the course of a couple of days. I felt excitement about my art that I haven't in, well, years. I wanted to throw the art project to the wind and start making the pictures in my head. I wanted to shut myself away in my studio and hope that some nice person would come feed my cat and maybe slip some grub under the door to me, too. Nice, but not likely to happen.

Despite this burst of enthusiasm I still felt that push ... do the work for the project, put my wants and desires on the back burner until it's done. Be a professional. Go for the potential money the project could bring. Suck it up and do the work. Even if it's not a real commission, treat it like one. Do the work. It was frustrating. It was stressful. No matter that the work I was creating was still "my ideas, not theirs" it became a chore to complete. There were a few days near the end that it was so hard to walk down the hall into my studio and pick up my paintbrush. Some days I had to make myself do it. Some days I simply couldn't. I'd get up, get dressed, jump in the Jeep and drive into town just to hang out with my friend Paul. I was avoiding being in the house.

I'm still getting pushed from another source to do work I really don't care to do. Again, it's personal and I'm not going to elaborate. Suffice it to say, it's still a push. But I'm finding a stronger ability to resist it. I'm winning some of those guilty conscience arguments that zing though my head. I'm feeling better about that, too. I see me taking a chance to change a behavioral attitude/pattern I've succumbed to for far too long. It's scary, yet I realize it's very, very good.

I'm giving myself freedom in the one place that is truly, deeply important to me ... my art. I've looked at other artist's websites and I see them doing exactly what I want to do. No, not the style of art, but their ability to do work they want to do and get paid for it - and apparently paid well. I've seen some who have grown from almost nothing to damn near a household name within their genre of art, all in a relatively short amount of time. Admittedly, I have envied them and their success. I have wished it for myself. But what I realized is although I have wished it, I didn't even know who I really was as an artist. I had only a vague idea of what I really wanted to do. How could I get something if I didn't have a clue what I was asking for?

Therein comes another big change I've experienced recently. If I'm totally honest with myself, I do know what I want to create. I'm not sure of precisely how - this being simply technique and I'll have to practice a bit with that part - but I know the work. I've seen it it my head. I've spent the last couple of months envisioning it. Hell, I've spent years secretly, in the recesses of my artist's heart, dreaming of it. When I allowed for the possibility of doing it my mind reeled. I lost sleep over it. I felt that sputtering candle catch fire and burn brightly. And I feel good about it. I feel something promising in the air. I almost feel as if I can't do the work fast enough. I'm both happy and scared at the same time. I'm risking to go forward, but risking even more to stand still ... and I know this. For once, I'm no longer willing to risk standing still.

Somehow, it also feels like only the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. More changes are coming, and not just with my art. Changes will come when Paul and I open the doors to our new reiki space. I'm going to be meeting new people who will bring other changes to my life. I'm letting go of things that don't work for me anymore: physically, creatively, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This feels like a momentous year ahead. I don't feel the old weight of things holding me down, holding me back as I have for most of my life. But most importantly, these changes all feel, on an intuitive level, only positive, as if I'm walking out of a dark room into sunlight.

And for me, that is probably the biggest change of all ... to not feel as if there is something mysterious and threatening lurking in the wings, waiting with baited breath, to pull the curtain just when I'm ready to sing my solo. It's rather unnerving, to tell you the truth. I keep glancing over my shoulder for my old dead-weight companion. I actually catch myself sitting up straighter when I realize it isn't there.

But, ya' know, I think that maybe for this evening I've rambled on enough and should probably go fix myself some dinner.

Namaste y'all ...

I'm glad it's the end of the week.

It's been a slightly crazy day, so I've decided to post something to make me feel better ...

Snow days are made for sleeping in ...

When I woke up this morning this is what was outside ...

This is my Jeep in the snow ...



When Creepy went to the back door for her morning
excursion outside (surveying her domain),
she took one look at the porch and decided to do this instead ...

Can't say I blame her. I wanted to curl up with her and do the snoozy thing, too. Instead, I went into the studio and started painting. I'm still contemplating a cat nap after lunch ...

Namaste y'all ...

Shoppers running amok ...

It's Wednesday. Middle of the week. Rah. What adds insult to injury is the impending storm that doth approach, sending hoards of milk and bread buyers to the grocery store to stock their pantries against hazards inflicted by the Weather God. And yes, I was among those crazed individuals, Being a Friday Domestic Goddess on Wednesday. It was a most unpleasant experience. Trust me.

What is it about the possibility of snow/freezing rain that makes people think I MUST HAVE MILK AND BREAD AT ALL COSTS!? It's as interesting a phenomenon as it is scary. They get in the store and wheel those buggies around like it's the last time they will ever be allowed to shop again. Add in babies crying on every other isle. Sweet little old gray haired ladies, their husbands in tow - and obviously deeply out of their natural element - holding up traffic as they peruse and inspect every item on every shelf on every isle. As long as they've been shopping for groceries you'd think they could do it blindfolded. Last but not least is the totally disgusted and hostile youths who have been sent to retrieve milk and bread by their mothers, who are stuck in an office somewhere and don't want to fight the after work hours doubly insane shopping hoards. Can't say I blame them. They are one of the reasons I was doing my own shopping at 10:00am this morning. The pre-Noon crazies are bad enough, the after-five crazies are simply dangerous and best avoided whenever humanly possible.

Well, it's all good now. I'm home. Got some housework done and mosied myself into the studio to paint. I'm here at the computer 'cause I'm waiting for paint to dry. I've felt the pull to work on the website all day but I have refrained. I need a short break even if I'm "this close". Maybe tomorrow.

I did get some great news in my e-mail today! I was invited to join Ravelry! I clapped my hands and squealed like a girl. I did. I felt special, as if the Knitting Goddess smiled upon me. Yeah, I get pleasure outta' simple things. I know.

Anyhoo, Ravelry is an online knitting & crocheting community, still in the beta stage. You don't just sign up like VeggieBoards (which I do belong to) and a host of other online communities. You have to submit a request and if all the stars align you get an invitation to join. Last week when I submitted my request I noticed there were over 6,700 knitting souls lined up waiting for an invite. I've seen other knitters post in their blog they are wanting to be in Ravelry, still waiting on an invite. Sheesh! I figured I'd be in my 50's by the time they got around to me. By then I might even have made my dream sweater. By then I might be a real knitter, not just a newbie with big dreams and a stash of lovely yarn.

I'm thinking they checked my blog, saw all that Indulgence yarn and had pity, maybe thought I was going to need the moral support of a world-wide knitting community. Maybe someone knew through some mystical cosmic force that I tried my Indulgence gauge swatch three times last night. With half a dozen books and printed instructions for doing gauge swatches strewn across the coffee table and still banging my head in frustration. Gah! The bain of existence in the knitting world - getting gauge. Though it be a mighty mountain to climb I shall triumph! I have to or I'll never be able to make my dream sweater. Must.Get.Gauge.

Just so those who don't know will know, gauge is how many stitches per inch on different needle sizes. My dream sweater calls for 16 stitches = 4" using size 9 needles.. The Indulgence yarn is rated at 15 stitches = 4" on size 10 needles. I've got to come up with the correct needle size to get the stitch count called for in the pattern or who knows what monstrous thing I'll end up with. Either a sweater to fit a gerbil or one to fit a horse. I'd would prefer one to fit me.

Another bit of good mail today came via UPS. I got both the male and the female Art. S. Buck artist's models! I had a long talk with my friend, art buddy and business partner, Paul, about how I've got a gazillion ideas for paintings in my head but don't have money/access to live models to photograph as reference. And all the paintings I'm thinking of have a figure posing in some way. While I may see it in my head, it's often hard to draw it out without reference to see how a leg might bend or the correct foreshortening on an arm. A model, used by artist's for centuries all over the world, is what you need. Someone to hold that pose you're thinking of so you can draw it accurately.

Okay, so these table-top models aren't as good as the real thing. That's a given. But they will help tremendously. I can even make clothes for them to wear for different costumes thus enabling me to see how the fabric drapes, how it wraps around a knee or elbow or whatever. That's also a problem with live models, even if I had one, I don't have/can't afford full sized costumes. For example, I have an idea for a Kwan Yin painting but there ain't no stinkin' way I can buy a real kimono for some woman to come and pose in it just so I can take some pictures. With the small model, I can whip up a kimono on the sewing machine out of a small piece of silk-like fabric and presto!

I will have to resort to other sources for hand positions because these small models have hands formed into only one position. They can't be changed or moved. That's okay. I have hands. I have friends, both male and female, who have hands. They can substitute. Either way, I'm thrilled with the small models and the drawing freedom I hope they will bring. It's difficult to have an idea in your head and sit for hours, if not days, looking through sites like Corbis or Inmagine for a photo that is reasonably close. I've done that. It sucks. And many times I've moved on to another painting idea because I came up bust on any reference material/figure. Again, hopefully that will change now that I have my two Art. S. Buck models. I'm going to have to think up some names for them.

So that's been my day. My evening will be spent working in the studio for awhile longer, scrounging around in the kitchen for some grub, then plopping my butt on the sofa to work on my gauge swatch. Maybe I'll work on the checkerboard scarf instead. I think it's feeling ignored and unloved. Can't have yarn lying around thinking it's unloved.

Namaste y'all ...

The end is nigh ...

No, I'm not talking about the end of the world, the end of whatever sport season it happens to be - I don't keep up with that, nor is it the end of this blog. I'm talking about the end of the website overhaul. Yes, kiddies, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. A small glimmer of hope that I may actually finish this gargantuan undertaking before I lose what little is left of my mind.

And it may not take me until the end of February either. I may meet my January deadline after all. Holy sheep dip.

I've spent the entire day, with the exception of a short break for food and beverages of the caffeinated, not alcoholic, variety - though I did consider it at one point - with my face in front of the computer, plugging away at the bazillion things required to Make.Website.Go. I was also interrupted by a couple of phone calls. I started at 9:00am and it's now, by the clock on the computer, 8:46pm. I am exhausted. I'm brain dead.

What did I accomplish in all those many hours of slaving away at the keyboard? Uploaded twenty one new pieces of art, zipped them through Photoshop for web display, and their individual thumbnail images for the gallery front pages. Okay, some are older works I've just never gotten around to putting on the site. I created twenty one new pages for the art to live. I put the copyright protected disclaimer on all fifty nine images now in the site. I created all the new comments and "why I painted this image" info blurbs on every page. On those twenty one image pages I also created their PayPal buy my art info stuff. I created ten new galleries. I got all of the thumbnail-to-image links created for nine of the galleries. And some more stuff I can't even remember right now. But you know will as soon as I publish this post.

Whew! On one hand it doesn't seem like much. On the other hand, it's freakin' a boat load of work. If any of you are familiar with building websites you'll know what I mean. If you aren't, then you won't. So much of the work is done bouncing between software. I use Photoshop to manipulate and prepare all the images, buttons, background, yadda, yadda, yadda. I use Yahoo Sitebuilder to actually create and host the site.

Yes, I do own Dreamweaver, but I don't know how to use it. I took graphics back when the very first Macintosh computers came out on the market. I learned all the old fashioned stuff like hand pasting prep boards, shooting it on a huge horizontal camera, developing negatives, burning plates, running a printing press. OLD school. So old school that graphic students today can't even conceive of a CompuGraphic typesetter where you had to load a special strip for particular typefaces and then you typed everything without even seeing what you were typing. You didn't know if you made a mistake until you ran the photoprint paper through the developer and THEN got to see what you typed. I'm a graphics dinosaur by some standards. Everything I know about modern graphics I've learned along the way, through various jobs I had in the industry or taught myself. Yeah, I learned Photoshop by using it and reading a manual - not in a classroom. Same with Illustrator, QuarkXpress, Freehand, PageMaker and several other graphics programs.

When it came time to build my first website, y'all, I admit I was clueless. Completely and utterly clueless. I researched via the internet different website hosts who gave me the option of an easy to understand and use with Photoshop capability. I also had to consider cost. Easy + Cheap. Yahoo fit the bill on all accounts. I also like being able to make all the changes sort of "in the basement" while the current version of the site is still live. When I'm done with the upgrade I can publish all at once and Ta!Da! No down time, no mixed-matched pages, just a brand new version. Yee ha. So while it may not be the "preferred" method of website building and all that jazz, it works for me. I'm good with that. Moving on.

Oh, yeah, today's accomplishments. I do ramble sometimes.

What I was originally leading up to is that aforementioned light at the end of my tunnel. Provided it's not actually an oncoming train I've mistaken for salvationary illumination, I can really see a manageable list of things to do to finish the redesign and get this puppy online and out there. I still have a couple of galleries I need to get art into (and all the accompanying stuff for them) but it's a damn sight better than being faced with the entire creation of fifteen new galleries and a dozen other new pages and all their stuff as I was when I started this whole shebang. When everything is on the site and basically "in it's place" I will then go through every page and create the links. This means, link this button to this image to this page to this image to this page to this image to this page to this button to this image ............... It will be the final step in the building process. Then, I'll go through and proof read every page for errors, etc. Then I'll get my husband to proof read everything.

The drum roll comes when, at long last, I click that little yellow "Publish" button. I know my hand will shake. I'll get all cold-chilled and hot-flash sweaty at the same time. I'll probably get lightheaded and dizzy. Nice little panic attack. Once you click that button the current version goes bye-bye and new version hits the net in all it's glory ... or all it's chaos.

There's a good side and a bad side to the click issue. Bad side = read previous paragraph. Good side = this is really the only way to check if the site functions as it should. Do links link to what they are supposed to? Do the images look okay and display properly. Did you just spend untold hours of your life for naught or for a glorious happy dance of joy? Oh, yeah, sure, Sitebuilder has a Preview In Browser option and I definitely use it. But, if the rest of the site is still unpublished you can't check a link to a page that technically isn't "on the net" yet. And I have a whole bunch-o stuff that ain't yet on the net.

I'm going to take a break from the computer tomorrow and spend most of the day in the studio. I'm still working on those two paintings for my art project and I need/want to get them finished. My two phone calls today were from a friend and from my sister, both of whom felt it necessary to inform me of impending inclement weather. I may decide to do my Friday Domestic Goddess duties tomorrow instead of Friday 'cause Friday may not be an option if it does the freezing rain thing on Thursday. Blah!

For now I'm going to sit on the couch, work on my yarn swatch and listen to a movie.

Namaste y'all.